Today I am confused about why I like my job. Is it that I don’t wanna work? Or is it that I just don’t like my work? It doesn’t make me wanna get out of bed, in fact I think it just gives me anxiety because I feel like I’m doing it wrong all the time. Does that mean I don’t like my job or does it mean that I have anxiety which is preventing me from actually enjoying my job? I don’t really know.
last Thursday I found out I had Covid. So I got the opportunity to stay at home and cough and sleep and try to fight this virus that is honestly the most confusing virus I’ve ever heard of in my life from a symptom standpoint. And so that’s what I did which means I got two days off of work. That’s great but I don’t really need instructor time because instructor time leave me alone with my thoughts and in my thoughts start going things start happening and generally not in a good way.
So yeah I don’t really know am I anxious or do I just not like my job? What is abundantly clear is that it’s a problem. LOL Everything’s always a problem for me you’ll see. I don’t know if I’m depressed or if things just don’t give me joy anymore I have no idea. Or maybe it’s that I really just wanna be lazy and not have a job and collect a check. Schmoney!!!!!
It can’t be that because during the pandemic I realized that working at home was really bad for me and I needed to go to a place that had people where I interacted and actually gave me a reason to shower. BUT I loved going into work. I guess I could share that I was a teacher and now I’m an administrator so very different. And being with the students gave me a lot of joy and I smiled a lot and I think it just kept me happy. The job I have now requires me to work with adults. I don’t like adults. Adults are complex And controlling and annoying.
I. DONT. LIKE. ADULTS.
Yet my job requires me to spend most of my time with them. They’re like self important attention seeking orbs of flesh. And I don’t like navigating their landscape. I’d rather be with students where I can be myself and not have to hide most of who I am. I could be my nerdy quirky self that really just gives of my abundance of knowledge to facilitate their growth. But it’s hard work very hard work and I got tired of having to do that hard work. And most importantly if I never grade anything ever again I’ll be so fucking happy. My idea of torture is me grading students work. So I thought I found the best of both worlds in a school being an administrator for a program. But it’s annoying because I have to spend most of my time talking to adults. Refer to prior paragraph.
A pause. Why don’t I like adults? That’s worth unpacking. Maybe it’s because I’m always jealous of something about someone else. About how they have the life that I want and I’m not living. Or maybe I get lost in my thoughts about how they actually came to be in the position that they are. I don’t know, but I think I’m just constantly comparing myself to them. Children make me feel very hopeful like I have a part a purpose in their whole existence even if it’s small. What am I gonna do for another adult?
So this bring me bring me back to why don’t I like my job. Because I don’t really get to work with students and I miss them a lot. They bring a sense of joy to my life. But then I remember that I’m really trying to focus on having an existence and identity outside of work and if I tie so much of my joy to my job am I truly really actually happy? So this is why I’m confused. Or feeling like I do not have a joyous life. What actually brings me joy and why can’t I spend any of my time outside of work pursuing that. What’s gonna actually get me to happiness? Because what the fuck is that?
Then we have to layer this whole issue of “black woman” on top of all of that. Is what I actually love is OK to love. Because…
#MaybeThat’sJustSomethingThatBlackWomenDon’tLove
Ugh to be continued
~Clueless Black Girl
A Clueless Blackgirl 
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