Post 2 – I’m single and trying to mingle…

Dating. What the fuck is it?

Because teaching middle school is 100% easier than dating.

It is like bearing your soul to a stranger on an app hoping that they’ll like you based on photos that only show 0.001% of your actual existence. It’s horrible, I hate it.

And let’s be honest while we’re here I’m very awkward. Maybe not super awkward but I’m not the main stream black queen. I don’t talk black, I’m not one of the divine black sorority girls, I reject mainstream beauty standards and I’m NERDY. But problem I’ve kinda like mainstream men.

1 – I am always attracted to the smartest guy in the room. I mean #talknerdytome and my panties are instantly are wet. It’s involuntary. God if he has Glasses on it’s a wrap.

2 – He’s gotta have swag. Because regular nerdy just doesn’t do it for me. I tried that and I just never wanted those dudes. It’s gotta have a little “I’m gonna bend you over and do bad things to you” tossed in or I don’t want it.

3 – You have to have your shit together. Meaning gainfully employed with a 401(k) and actual goals.its ok if you not there yet. It’s not lost on me that I am 38 in writing a blog about how confused I am about my life. HA! BUT I’m a goal setter and I want my future person to be able to sit and set life goals and we actually work towards them. Why is this so hard?

4 – You gotta like outdoor stuff… because I like outdoor stuff and I want my boo to be able to do things with me outside like camp, kayak, hike and bike ride and the occasional travel related outdoorsy type stuff. Bitches I am scuba certified i like adventure! WHY is so hard to find someone who wants to have sex in the woods? How do you think the first people got down?!

5 – Traditional but modern. Confusing right? I really want a guy that opens car doors and gives me a lot of attention. But I also don’t want to be barefoot in the kitchen slaving while you watch football every Sunday. That’s not gonna work for me. But I am very submissive especially in the bedroom. And men seem to take that as me being submissive and every other aspect of our relationship and I’m not. I want things to be equal where I makes sense, I want to have a say, I want to feel heard, listened to and respected. This will get a whole post soon!

Enter in the challenges…

1 – I am bossy. And if you don’t know how to handle that in a way that doesn’t cause the bitch of the century to come out then it’s not gonna work. I know I’m bossy someone just really has to tell me to go take several seats in a way that’s not disrespectful and I’m good.

2 – i’m anxious. I’ve tried to hide this and pretend that I’m not but I am. I overthink everything and I want to ask as many questions as I can to quell this anxiety that I have when I get into relationships. Men think I’m trying to control things, I’m not. I’m just trying to get to a place where I can relax and enjoy the pace of what’s happening. It is honestly my biggest problem with dating. It makes the process of meeting people hard. When is it me or anxious me? fuck if I Know. Years of therapy has only gotten me to the point of realizing that I have this whole anxious approach to dating.

3 – I am 38 and I want kids. Not your kids – our own kids – I could be a great step mom though. That needs its own post too, cause I have dreams about my dried up eggs. It’s scary to think I’ve wanted to be a mom for so long, but I refused to just shack up with just any person and have a kid. I wanted to feel like together or not we could be good parents. I met that 6 years ago guy we lived together then he broke off… because wait for it … he did not want kids || God speaks sarcasm, fluently also Rejection is God’s protection ||

4 – I am realizing that I’m kind of kinky – you say kinky the first thing guys want to try with you is butt stuff. Yes there’s a place for butt stuff but to be honest it’s 2023 is anal really that kinky? I mean have you heard of shabari that’s cool! I even have a fetlife profile and I actually try to go to events every now and then just to lurk get ideas – But i share this because Last thing I want is to be in a marriage where I can’t explore sexually – that sounds like prison. I want to try things and I want to figure out what I like and what I don’t like – What are the things that he likes because I tend to like to please people as well. But all that’s really hard to do without someone that I trust or I fall in love with a guy when he just wants to clap my thighs. It’s really just means that I can’t really explore in a safe space. A friend of mine told me that’s really dangerous because one day I’m just going to explode out in the world and probably make very poor decisions. Which I really don’t want so I need to find a way to deal with all of that. But really how????

5 I’m fucking awkward. I said it above and I really do mean that. I just see the world very differently because of how I grew up. It makes people mad. I think that people spend most of their time really misunderstanding me. And my greatest fear in life is being misunderstood because I feel like I have a lot to say a lot to offer. It just comes out in ways that people don’t understand.

I don’t even know what this list was supposed to be but it really helped me unpack some things. I feel like I know what I’m looking for but I often feel like men are looking for things that I’m not.

Which made me think about my Myers Brig is INfJ – it is the rarest personality type.

An Advocate (INFJ) is someone with the Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging personality traits. They tend to approach life with deep thoughtfulness and imagination. Their inner vision, personal values, and a quiet, principled version of humanism guide them in all things.

https://www.16personalities.com/infj-personality

But isn’t the rarest thing supposed to be the thing that people are searching for? Why do I feel so unwanted all the time or is that just a microcosm of me not excepting myself or as a friend pointed out to me earlier that I’m struggling with finding self acceptance?

Who is looking for The Clueless Blackgirl flavor??? Sometimes I feel like black licorice or the black jellybeans that nobody ever wants to eat, or the lemon or lime skittles. Do you ever feel like you’re the leftovers at the bottom of the bag of life that no one wants? Correction I am wanted but only for certain things. I want to be wanted for all of me not just parts.

~ Dr. Clueless Blackgirl